We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
