Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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