I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
