Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
