Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
