I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
