Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
