That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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