this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
