So drunk its hurt
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
