mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
