I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
