Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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