Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
