I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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