I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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