Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
