Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I need to calm my uterus...
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
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