omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
