Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I don't know what your problem is but seriously you're a cunt for throwing up that song on your page. It's rude as fuck
omg its myspace i didnt think anyone took that seriously anymore
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
