I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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