Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
