We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
