the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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