she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
