I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
