you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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