I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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