When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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