Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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