Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
