She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
