so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
