Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
