ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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