mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
my mouth tastes like poor choices
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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