Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
A+ Viking dick
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
