Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
FUCK WHALES
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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