some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
