oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
