I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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