grandma shit on top of the toilet
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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