I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
