Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
