I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
