he told me I talked like a deaf person
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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