hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
