so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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