is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
