the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
